Harry Potter: up to his old tricks at Hogwarts
by Aphroditebehindthemask
Summary: this is a humourus parody to Harry Potter. this is the first chapter
1. Default Chapter

The adventures of Harry pot head and the philosopher's stoner  
  
It was a beautiful day at Hogwarts. Birds were chirping cats were licking themselves.it was going to be a great day, but as always Harry was to stoned to notice. He was hiding in his closet looking at his favorite porno magazine and lighting up a fresh doobie when Ron weisly opened the door with that dreamy lovey dopey look in his eyes and a bulge in his pants he always had when he saw Harry. Harry was always curios about it, but when asked, Ron would always come up with some excuse, but the real truth was and is that Ron had a huge crush on Harry. Harry is always too stoned to notice anything but the rest of Hogwarts has Known for years. Who couldn't know, Ron is always dressed to the top with the latest Gucci and he is in every musical the school puts on.  
  
"..mmmm Harry" Ron Paused realizing what he said. "Uh Harry, come on I thought you were cutting down on that stuff?" Harry paused. " Yes, I said I was cutting down on the porn and drugs but I didn't say I was quitting all together." Ron rolled his eyes as Harry went on. "Besides I just need a little kick in the morning. That's all. Now help me up." While lugging Harry to his feet, Ron noticed that Harry's pants were un done, which made Ron a little giggly but he hid it quickly. "Harry, why are your pants down?" Harry looked down quickly and started pulling them up. " Oh that's nothing, me and playboys Miss January had some fun..ha ha ha. Ron you know how it is." Nudging Ron while Ron Quickly changed the subject. " Uh Harry your making us late great! Way to go idiot." Ron turned around. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Harry hanging his head. "Oh Harry its okay I could never stay mad at you." Ron said rubbing Harry's arm and leaning into Harry. "uhh Ron" Harry said breaking free, oblivious to what almost happened. " Do you think we'll have time to stop at the cafeteria? Cause I got the munchies." With that Harry pulled on his uniform sweater and ran out the door.  
  
A small, young and pretty teacher sat at her desk. All of a sudden she heard a bang at the back of the room. She looked up to see Harry and Ron sneaking in the room. The bang came from Harry, he was still high as a kite and couldn't stop giggling and knocking into things. "Your late" she said with a small smile she was trying to hide. "its been fifteen minutes since the last bell, where have you been?" Ron panicked trying to find the right words that were believable enough to get them out of detention, but Harry just cleared his throat, looked into her eyes ands said. " Well beautiful, I was here early but I saw how strikingly beautiful you were and thought that you needed candy but I couldn't find any that would be worthy of you." The teacher smiled "Sit down, and Harry I'll see you after school." The boys looked at each other and sat down next to their friend Herminie who was trying to hide her five o'clock shadow with makeup. "Hey gu..." she said in a deep masculine voice, which she quickly cleared and followed with a sweet girly voice. "Hey guys, why you late? Harry high again?" "you know it" Harry said. "Children lets get to work" the teacher said. "Everyone get your wands ready....."  
  
After school Harry was nowhere to be seen Ron was searching every where when he remembered the teacher asking Harry to stay after class that morning, So he went to the room. While he approached the door he heard some noise then some giggling, he opened the door. When he opened the door he saw a blouse and a pair of pants on the floor he looked over at the desk and saw a pair of legs up in the air. He immediately knew it was there teacher because he had been admiring her shoes all class. "I think someone's here." It was Harry then there was a pause, then a female voice said, " crap where's my pants?" " I think there on the other side." Then Harry yelled out "If someone is there, will they throw the lady her shirt?" Just then Harry popped up shirtless with his glasses off and covered in lipstick. "Oh it's Ron." A sly smile crept across Harry's face as he saw how panicked and uncomfortable Ron was. "Hey man while you're at it ya mine passing me my underwear." Ron slowly grabbed the clothes, totally mortified at what he was doing. "Thanks mate" Here Miss wart. Ron backed into the door and walked out as the two put their clothes back on. Three minutes later they came out like nothing had happened. They looked like new. Then Ron stood up and walked over. "well Miss wart thanks for the tutorial. Harry said as teachers and students were walking by. He winked at her and then grabbing Ron's arm they left to the slitherine rooms were they were meeting Herminie for lunch. 


	2. The door

Herminie was sitting down reading a book on physical spells. The kind that taught a person how to change the anatomy of someone, Like there nose or mouth or genitalia. any way she was tacking notes from a chapter called "Look it's a boy! With a poof it's a girl!" when she looked up to see the boys coming.  
  
"Hello boys." She said standing up awkwardly slightly adjusting her skirt so that nothing fell out, it was really short and with her burly legs it was shorter then on a typical girl, but as we know Herminie is not your typical girl. "Hey beautiful!" Harry said kissing her big ogre like hand. He bowed suave like and Ron caught a wondrous site of Harry's rear. Ron glanced over and tried to hide the smile that had plastered across his face as Harry rose.  
  
They started to walk to the cafeteria. And Herminie looked at her watch. "You guys are late. What took you so long?"  
  
Harry grinned and Ron sighed and rolled his eyes as he started into the story. "Well you know Harry, he was uh. getting to know another substitute."  
  
Herminie understood right away. "Oh Harry. Again?"  
  
Harry Grinned and shook his head. "Well it's not my fault they're the ones who wear the low shirts and small skirts, they practically throw themselves at me."  
  
Herminie laughed. "Oh Harry can't you keep it in your pants?"  
  
They walked down the big halls and passed by a door. They walked by then stopped. A loud laughing was coming from behind the door and some coughing. They stopped and stood there stunned in front of it.  
  
Herminie approached the door putting her ear to it. "It sounds like its coming from far away." The boys stepped beside her following her actions. Harry grabbed the knob but was stopped by Ron's small girlie hand. "Harry do you think this is a good idea? I mean what if it's a ghost or ghoul or something scarier."  
  
Harry looked at him and smiled slyly. "I don't think it's anything like that.you know I heard they were adding a girls shower room in here, I bet that's it."  
  
Ron Pulled back in horror and he panicked. "You mean girls, naked?" he gulped thinking of the horror that could lay on the other side of the door.  
  
After hearing this Herminie grabbed the handle quickly starting to whip it open. "Well we really should find out."  
  
Harry starred at her. "A little eager are we.need a shower or something girlie?"  
  
Herminie smiled nervously. "Ah Ya! That's it. Uhh my hair needs a good once over that's all." She put her hand down beside her taking a deep calming breath. She just dodged a big bullet.  
  
Harry put his hand back on the door and slowly opened it. 


	3. the quest

Harry opened the door to discover that there head mistress Mcgonagall was lying on the floor passed out. The three kids ran over Herminie who had always had a secret crush on the old mistress, ran fastest and thumped to the lady's side, almost knocking one of her fake boobs out, but she caught it in time for know one to have noticed. Harry being always the ladies man planted a hesitant kiss on the old shriveled mouth waking her up immediately,(He always boasted about having a kiss that was so good it could wake the dead. This was his time to prove it.) She sat up but was too week and she collapsed to Herminie's lap. "Are you okay?" Herminie said noticing that the old lady was still conscious.  
  
She lifted her withered hand shakily and handed Ron a piece of paper. "Go to this place the man will give you a package. Don't open it!" she spoke weekly then her eyes rolled back in her head and she was unconscious again.  
  
Ron looked at the paper. Harry joined beside him and Herminie seeing that there was nothing she could do for the lady rolled her to the ground with a violent thump and joined the two boys.  
  
Harry looked over the address and looked up at the other two with a smile. "So you two up for a ride to Jumbla?"  
  
Ron shrugged. "Might as well we got a spare. And I am not leaving you to go by yourself." Ron protested with a batting of his eyes.  
  
Harry just shook his head. "God your queer sometimes Ron. Anyway, Herminie?"  
  
She shrugged. "Ya I got P.E. I can skip it." She said thinking of how much she hated changing in front of the girls.  
  
Harry looked down at the women. "What do we do with the old broad?" he said.  
  
Ron looked out in the hallway, pulled his friends out and slammed the door accidentally hitting the women in the head with the door. "Well we'll leave her hear she aint goin' any were anytime soon we'll be back soon."  
  
With that they were off to Herminie's room to perform a transference spell.  
  
Herminie grabbed her spell book and powder. "Slug, Wart, old shoe horn take us to Jumbla right know!"  
  
Harry and Ron were confused. The spell was messed up and didn't rime but before they were able to say anything they found themselves on a dark and smelly street corner standing next to a women in fishnet stockings and barely there dress. The girl who was obviously a hooker gasped. "Were did you co-," she saw Harry. And stopped he had appeared to her before like this and he had been a frequent customer of hers. "Oh its you Harry. The usual?" she said moving toward him. Harry smiled and backed away. "No, no Shannon not today babe.maybe later. Now we need your help."  
  
She smiled and leaned onto a lamp pole. "Well I've done a lot of freaky shi- stuff, but never two guys and a cross dresser. But hey if the price is right."  
  
Harry smiled confused at the cross dresser part. "No, no! Can you tell us were this is." Harry passed Shannon the paper and she laughed exposing her half empty mouth she had maybe ten teeth.  
  
Ron starred at the girl. "God! Harry'll sleep with anyone wont he." Ron thought.  
  
The girl looked at Harry and smiled. "Well darlin' that's just down that alley."  
  
Harry smiled and shook her hand. " Thank you lushes. I'll, ah see you later." Harry said winking at her and headed down the alley.  
  
Ron and Herminie shuttered at the thought of the two of them going at it.  
  
They went down the pitch-black alley till they met a voice. "What be the reason for three youngins such as yourself to come and seek me out?"  
  
They were very confused, but then there was a flash of light that exposed the man's figure. He was huge and had legs like tree trunks. The kids were speechless and stepped back as Harry shakily gave the man the paper and very slowly told the big man what they were told.  
  
The man smiled and passed Harry the package and laughed. "I thought the old bugger was never going to pick it up.. now scram!"  
  
The kids didn't hesitate, they ran as far as they could, then when they were far enough away Herminie through the powder and they were back in her room. 


	4. strange and messed up a conclusion

They ran through the halls pushing people out of their way and finally coming up to the door. Harry threw the door open to find the women were they left her.  
  
Harry nudged the women and she awoke. "Did you get it?" She asked wearily.  
  
Ron passed her the package and she slammed the door. They heard some noise, as they stood stunned. They then heard her curse. She opened the door slightly with a aggravated look on her face. "Do any of you half wits have a light?"  
  
Harry smiled and pulled out his lighter.  
  
The old lady grabbed it hastily and without thinking pulled out a big joint and lit it up. "Ahhh! That's some good shi-." She stopped and looked up at the stunned students who were breaking into big grins. "Thank you now get to class!" she said then broke out in laughter then slammed the door.  
  
The three kids broke out in laughter as they walked down the hallway to there spells class.  
  
"I can't believe I went on a drug run and didn't pick myself up anything.a joint, a nickel bag, some coke nothing!" Harry said sighing and grabbing Herminie's powder bag and book.  
  
Herminie stopped laughing and looked at Harry annoyed. "What are you doing?"  
  
Harry smiled. "Well I have a date remember. Shannon?" and with that he was gone.  
  
The two shuttered again and walked toward their next class, Herminie putting her arm around Ron. "Boy that horny bastured will sleep with any old bitch wont he."  
  
They continued laughing into their classroom.  
  
The End. 


End file.
